Alright guys, It’s the middle of the summer. You’ve finally found a job, you’ve reunited with all your friends and you’re finally slipping into the sweet summer routine. And maybe, just maaaaaybe, you’ve been getting your game on.

   You know what I’m talkin’ bout… the girl that you’ve talked to at the bar a few times? The one that gave you her number at that party? Your co-worker you’ve been flirting with since day 1? Whatever… by now you’re probably on good terms with a nice girl, and it’s time to get a move on, cowboy.

   The hardest part is getting up the courage to make a move. How you go about that is up to you, but I’m going to have to return to an old post… it has been confirmed by women: confidence is hot.

   Once you have the time of your life with this girl, it’s time to seal the deal. She says “tonight was great”, looks at you with a sly smile and a twinkle in her eye. You agree by furiously nodding your head like a moron. She laughs. Cue awkward silence. Alright man, go for it! You lean in… and you kiss! Awesome, you’re the man! This girl is definitely loving locking lips with you! Right?

    *Ahem.*

   Before you pat yourself on the back over your primo make out stylo, read this. I decided to ask a few female friends of mine if they could think of any rules to give guys when it comes to making out. The results were astounding! 

   Obviously, what turns a lady’s crank is extremely subjective - you don’t drive like a trucker if you’re in a sports car, know what I’m saying? So DO NOT take these tips as the gospel truth… consider them as guidelines. I think it’s safe to say the majority of the female race will agree with these:

Breath: This was in about 90% of the responses. Guys, chew some gum, brush if you can, and unfortunately, we are supposed to refrain from eating pepperoni etc.?!

Don’t kiss with jerky, results will be murky.

Eyes: I know, it’s great to watch a scrunched up girl’s kissing face. Maybe she’s going to give a visual cue for where to go next? No.

Open eyes? Awkward surprise.

Biting: Even though vampires are hot right now, girls are not down with guys drawing blood. Talk about double standards. That being said, pretty much all of them appreciate a SOFT bite, and for many it seems to be the key to the castle. There is a bottom lip, there are two ear lobes, and there is a neck. Be careful young rabbit.

Nibble her ear, you’re in the clear.

Beards: Time and time again: beard burn, beard burn, beard burn. Girls seem to be into scruff, but I guess guys have to find a happy medium between lumberjack and baby’s ass.

Razor sharp stubble? You’ll be in trouble.

Rhythm: This is a combination of many comments, and is probably the most difficult area to master. Spontaneous kissing is definitely in, as long as it’s not weird (aka funeral make out). Make sure to switch up your focus from time to time (see biting), don’t stand still if you’re in the middle of a DFMO, and don’t go for the marathon lip lock.

Let the girl breathe, or you’ll have to leave. Also, she’ll die.

Alcohol: Listen, sometimes this is involved with parties and sometimes it’s involved with making out. But you know what? You’ve got to be able to know when you’ve had enough if you’re looking for some action, because girls are at least three steps ahead of us in these situations. They’ve heard all the lines. They know it when you’re only looking for one thing. As in all other aspects of life, don’t hit the bottle so hard, chief.

No female will ever touch, the imbecile who drinks too much.

Drooling: Are you guys really slobbering all over girls? Seriously? That’s just nasty. Take care of that - I’m not even a woman and I can tell that’s a buzz kill. Gross.

If you drool up in her face, she’ll reach in her purse for mace.  

Aggressiveness: This should really be common sense, but apparently some dudes need to give their heads a shake. Don’t make a dash for home plate before you’ve rounded first. Listen guys, the women have spoken: if you want to move forward, you’re going to have to earn it. Think of making out as igniting a long, thin trail of gasoline. Play your cards right and eventually that trail will lead to a dynamite factory, or something else that explodes and is a metaphor for sex.

Move too fast to get ahead, you’ll wind up alone in bed.

Tongue: This was the hottest topic in all of my conversations. Poor kissers’ tongues were compared to dead fish and poor tongue insertion was described as anything from “small, pointy jabs” to “probing the back of my throat”. Guys, if you take one piece of advice from this post, do not force your tongue. It’s appreciated if you’re tasteful with it, but don’t give her a peck then dive into her face like it’s a 4 x 100. Again, terrible thrashing tongues were girls’ #1 make out complaint.

Don’t be a mouth sailor, too much tongue equals failure.

See you later, mouth sailors. Did I miss anything? Let me know.