I had never really considered online dating before, but a mere three weeks into this ridiculous summer gig and there I was, filling out what I was looking for in a soul mate and trying to figure out which pictures I could use that didn’t make me look like a creeper.

   My first misconception about the online dating world was that since it’s much more anonymous than real life, the gender norms would be relaxed and girls would be messaging me if they thought I would make a good date. 

   Right?

   Two days later I had received two messages: one from an 18 year old in Brampton asking me what I am into and one reading “how r u” from a 6’1”, 39 year old woman. Don’t worry, I responded to the latter. No dice, if you were wondering.

   So, crestfallen and disappointed in the lacking cajones of online women, I had to blaze a trail myself into the depths of the web to find my match, the techno-Juliette to my robo-Romeo.

  It was very tiring and a bit scary wading through the thousands of profiles for someone who seemed my type. Several hours of clicking led me through some real gems. Here are a few submissions from future Mrs. Hals:

“I Am The StreetZ Look Both WayZ Before U Cross Me Think im trippin… TIE MY SHOEZ”

   This girl was a strong contender for my heart, but then I stumbled on to this next goddess. Once I read her “hobbies” box I knew we were meant to be:

“Smkoing blunts allllllll day long every dayyy lol”

   After a while I just wanted to click one of the many Busty Russians in Ontario ads and get it over with, but I pushed on with my heart on my sleeve, and actually found some people who were pretty interesting!

   By now it had been a few days, and I started freaking out… after sending out probably a dozen messages, only one response! I dogged on, but my mind was quickly filling with the countless unwritten rules of online dating I surely was breaking…

   The biggest problem was that I could see EVERYONE who had been viewing my profile! This really upped the pressure for me… if I sent you a message, later saw that you viewed my profile but didn’t send me a message back, what does that mean? What’s the time frame on these things?

   On the other hand, if you check out my profile without me having messaged you, you know I’ll be able to see that you’ve viewed me. So does this mean you’re interested or just clicking around? This situation can be likened to locking eyes with a girl at a bar - does she really want to talk to you, or are you just seated close to the bathroom? Yeah, that happened once.

   Finally, after a few confusing days, I got in contact with a promising lead! She was my age, had a masters degree involving sustainability and the environment, and best of all she wasn’t batshit crazy.

   Tune in tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion! Do I actually get this girl to go out with me? If so, was I jumped by three dudes and robbed? Or do I find my future wife and move back to Nova Scotia to fish lobster?

   To be continued…

A few fellow users I stumbled across.